THE YEAR'S BEST [actual]HEADLINES OF 2004:


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[imagine that!]









  Something Went Wrong
 in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]









Police Begin Campaign
 to Run Down Jaywalkers
      [now that's taking things a bit far!]




Is There a
Ring of Debris
 around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]







  Panda Mating Fails;
 Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]






  Miners Refuse
 to Work
 after Death
    [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]






  Juvenile Court to
 Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]







  War Dims Hope
 for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]







  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
 It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]







  Cold Wave Linked
 to Temperatures
      [who would have thought!]








  Enfield (London) Couple
 Slain; Police
 Suspect Homicide    
  [they may be on to something!]








Red Tape Holds
 Up New Bridges  
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]









Man Struck By Lightning
 Faces Battery Charge  
[he probably IS the battery charge!]









  New Study of Obesity
 Looks for Larger
 Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]









Astronaut Takes
 Blame for Gas
 in Spacecraft    
 [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]









 Kids Make
 Nutritious
 Snacks    
  [Taste like chicken?]









 Local High School
 Dropouts Cut in Half  
  [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]








Hospitals are Sued
 by 7 Foot Doctors    
  [Boy, are they tall!]








  And the winner is....










Typhoon Rips Through  
 Cemetery; Hundreds Dead